Glenn Danzig’s house comes with a free box of Franken Berry

As you may have heard, a property owned by Glenn Danzig went up on the market in early August, and I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say that it is a bit of a fixer-upper. In less than two weeks, the  Zillow listing for the Loz Feliz four-bedroom shows the property  as “off market,” which means someone may have plunked down the $1.2 million asking price for this decrepit piece of music history.

Last week, a buddy of mine who is looking to buy property in the greater Los Angeles area set up a viewing for Danzig’s house. She was able to report that their are some features that justify the excessive price tag. For starters, the house is in a highly desirable neighborhood. Also, there’s a guesthouse in the backyard. Those familiar with the city’s bonkers real estate market told me that those factors alone could cancel out the fact that the inside is in shambles, given how Danzig hasn’t lived in the home since around the early aughts and has used the property for more or less storage space.

The closed Zillow listing said that the house was for sale “as is,” which means that the owner wasn’t going to do additional work or renovations before handing the keys over to the buyers. Of course, another way to look at the “as is” term of sale is to think about all the additional free stuff one would get after signing that mortgage paperwork. Some extras that might put the property over the top? These complimentary boxes of Franken Berry and Count Chocula sitting out in the kitchen, and faithfully guarded by a ratty teddy bear.

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TWO Monster cereals AND a teddy bear? That $1.2 million price tag’s starting to look a lot more reasonable.

Also, shout out to the writer of such songs as “Am I Demon” and “Die, Die My Darling” for staying on brand with the black kitchen tiling.

The lucky new owner of Danzig’s house shouldn’t bother to bring their own bed given how one of the rooms features this cozy mattress already set up on the floor.

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Relocating with your family? No problem! There’s plenty in this house to keep young children occupied.

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The adults can appreciate the more sophisticated artwork on display.

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Sadly, not every volume in Danzig’s beloved book collection made it to his current residence.

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Sure, the house makes Grey Gardens look damn near antiseptic by comparison, but think of all the free action figures that come with the house. Some of them are even still in their original packaging.

Sometimes you just gotta look at that skull as half full of blood, not half empty.

[top photo: Maggie Serota]

Tags: glenn danzig