Obesity and chronic masturbation are causing shrinkage in China’s army
In China, Army enrollment numbers are down as a growing number of young people can’t pass the physical fitness tests required to join up. The problem, according to a report published in the People’s Liberation Army Daily — a state-run military newspaper — is that today’s kids are eating a lot of shit food and jerking off too much.
Admit it — right now, you’re probably wondering: Unless they’re watching me, how would someone know the frequency with which I’m fisting the mister? The answer: abnormally large testicular veins. Yep, that’s a thing — and a telltale sign that you might be yanking it too often.
A poor diet, not enough exercise and sitting around playing on your Xbox don’t help the angle of your dangle either. According to the Evening Standard, having a smartphone attached to your hand and drinking water with too high a mineral content could also be contributing to the problem.
Overall, eight percent of the wannabe recruits had that enlarged testicular vein thing happening. “This is related to sitting too long on computer games, excessive masturbation and too little physical activity,” according to the report. Nearly half of them — 46 percent — couldn’t pass the vision test, with researchers suggesting that excessive gadget use is to blame.
Then again, your mom did always warn you that too much masturbation could make you go blind…