Someone in Ted Cruz’s office was beating off to porn last night [NSFW]

Masturbation is a tricky business: Everyone does it, and it’s fine to joke about your own favorite methods for getting the job done, but you never want to get caught doing it. It’s a lesson that someone in Ted Cruz’s office — someone high up enough in the ranks to have access to Cruz’s personal Twitter account and whose name may or may not rhyme with Shmed Shmuz —  learned on Monday night, when the Texas senator’s Twitter “liked” a very NSFW porn video. (Click to embiggen if you want.)

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At 2:16 a.m., Cruz’s senior communications adviser Catherine Frazier issued a comment (which tells us that she was awake and on Twitter at around the time of the incident):

Strange that she didn’t go the classic “our account was hacked” route, but maybe that will come later (just like whoever’s porn sesh got interrupted by the collective laughter of Twitter).

Screenwriter Craig Mazin — who wrote “The Hangover” sequels and was Cruz’s college roommate — also weighed in on the matter:

Whether or not the perpe-bator in question was indeed the former presidential candidate, we do not know. What we do know that sex is never far from Cruz’s mind:

 

(It’s also worth reminding you that on the same day he bowed out of the race for POTUS, a female Cruz lookalike cashed in on her resemblance and made a six-minute porn — which sounds about four minutes and 32 seconds longer than it needed to be.)

Even if it wasn’t Cruz who was beating the bishop, the incident serves as a very public reminder that it takes just one newly-slippery finger to let the world know: “Hey, I’m jerking off right now!”

If I can impart two pieces of advice here:

Ted: You might want to send out a memo that there’s tons of free porn floating around on the internet, much better than anything you’ll find on Twitter. Check out PornHub! (And don’t say I’ve never contributed anything to the Republican Party.)

Heidi: Next time you get suspicious when your husband comes home late from the office, bleary-eyed, and tells you he’s exhausted, don’t go for his phone — just check his Twitter likes.

UPDATE, 11:23 a.m.: Ted Cruz doesn’t deny masturbating.

[photo: AP | h/t porny screen shot @ashleyfeinberg]