Qatar Beats USA For 2022 World Cup Bid: Blame Morgan Freeman
A country that Americans didn’t know exists will now host the 2022 World Cup.
Today in Zurich, Switzerland the FIFA Executive Committee made the surprising announcement that Qatar will host the 2022 World Cup. The questions on the minds of the United States’ mildly-enthused soccer fans are: who or what is Qatar, and just how the hell did the United States mess this up?
Well, according to ESPN…
Qatar, an oil-rich nation that has been independent since 1971, has a population of about 1.7 million — 500,000 less than Houston. At 4,416 square miles, it is smaller than Connecticut.
Ladies and gentleman, that is all we need to know about Qatar: it’s small, has oil, not many people live there. Yet somehow they are better suited to host the World Cup than the mighty ambassadors of freedom.
First the 2016 Summer Olympics, now the 2022 World Cup—this is starting a very dangerous trend, and I’m starting to realize the we are pretty content with these losses. We lost to something smaller than the damn Constitution State and less populated than the freakin’ East Village. It’s unacceptable.
Like all sports losses, after the Qatar World Cup victory we must now find a goat to verbally tar and feather. Someone must shoulder the responsibility for the United States inexplicable failure, and that man is Morgan Freeman.
Yes, the same respected thespian who made us cry in “Shawshank Redemption” and lends his golden pipes to every animal documentary in need of a narrator.
Yesterday, Uncle Sam’s Army sent our country’s finest to the Swiss Alps to, yet again, woo FIFA into believing we truly care about the world’s most popular sport. A dream team of Bill Clinton, Landon Donovan, and Freeman represented the United States in their final presentation to the FIFA Executive Committee. They even brought a video message from President Obama along with them.
This was supposed to be a formality, everyone’s (insert champagne salary-appropriate) was on ice, until Freeman opened his mouth.
With our country’s hopes resting firmly on his velvety, authoritative and comforting voice, Morgan Freeman’s greatest talent failed him, and in doing so he cost the United States the 2022 World Cup.
During Freeman’s segment of the presentation the well-spoken actor accidentally skipped a page of his speech, which led to an awkward and nationally embarrassing pause. Australia’s The Sydney Morning Herald described Freeman’s inexplicable flub.
“You would see that in a country that admires individual achievement, we truly cherish what can be done when we come together as a group. And there is no stronger, more resolute supporter …”
He paused for a few seconds, appearing to re-read the script, before saying: “I’m sorry, I missed a page.”
Freeman found where he was up to and carried on with his speech, saying: “You will see that in a country founded on the belief that we are all treated equal …”
It may sound a little exaggerated that Freeman’s small error could cost the United States the opportunity to host the World Cup. But consider the embarrassment that stems from screwing up a high school graduation speech, let alone a presentation meant to lure the most popular sporting event in the world.
Either that, or FIFA has a curious appetite for some oil.