Stealing Cookies From Whole Foods: It’s the Best
It’s almost like Whole Foods wants you to rob them.
Whole Foods is great for grocery shopping and looking at white people. But did you know you could steal cookies from them with impunity?
Most Whole Foods have a bin of cookies and other snacks right when you enter the store. They have price tags, but guess what? You don’t need to pay.
The Whole Foods cookie selection is pretty boss, though the cookies only seem to come in two textures: sticky and crisp or dry and crumbly. A sticky vegan chocolate chip is a nightmare, but a dry and crumbly one is a serious treat. The Rumble cookie is kind of like Rocky Road ice cream, but it makes me gassy.
Also, Whole Foods insists you use a piece of bakery paper before handling any baked goods. I suggest raw dogging it instead.
Why is it okay to steal cookies from Whole Foods? For starters, you’re not going to get caught, and even if you do, what’s the penalty for eating a 79-cent cookie? Two, the placement of the bin at the store’s entrance projects a real “enjoy a cookie while you shop, it’s on us” vibe. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Right?