The Ivy League of Extraordinary Drug Dealers

Columbia University needs to step up to the plate and start creating more jobs for its students, or else they are just going to sell your brainy grandchildren acid at a luau.

The Ivy League of Extraordinary Drug Dealers

On Tuesday, five Columbia University students pleaded not guilty to the charges they faced in court after being arrested for selling drugs on campus grounds.

However, before drawing the conclusion that these admittedly unorthodox salesmen are contributors to the amassing pile of degenerate miscreants deserving of society’s contempt and disdain, the charged students argue their side of the case.

A college education can cost a pretty penny and typically the more prestigious a school, the heavier the check is with ink. The students who were arrested were no strangers to this unpleasant reality.

At least two of the students claimed they were intending to use the drug money to pay Columbia tuition. According to the “Columbia Daily Spectator,” Chris Coles shared with police that he was selling the illegal substances to foot the exorbitant bill.

Harrison David also confessed he was drawn to the drug trade for its alluring educational aid advantages. After David’s father sealed up his wallet David was forced to take the obvious next step; selling Aunt Nora (cocaine).

An array of broken laws aside, these young men show seeds of potential in the entrepreneurial world. Before their business was put to rest, the indicted students, Harrison David, Adam Klein, Chris Coles, Jose Perez, and Michael Wymbs offered a rather elaborate, creative menu of narcotics including marijuana, Adderall, LSD, cocaine and MDMA.

These drugs were sold at a variety of on campus fraternity houses as well as other on campus residencies. These young pioneers’ decision to conduct business at social gatherings like parties and organized events demonstrates a sharp instinct to recognize opportunities for maximal sales.

In addition, the gentlemen most likely factored in the inevitable hysteria present at many of these collegiate functions and used the flurried excitement to their advantage. Fast paced activities like flip cup and beer funneling often do their part to mask any unkosher shady transactions that may will themselves to occur.

The drug bust was the crescendo to a five month undercover investigation with code name “Operation Ivy League”. During the course of the investigation, police purchased over $11,000 in narcotics. That’s a lot of Baby Bhang (marijuana).

With one student out on bail and four others on their way to the slammer, this incident should be a glaring signal of concern for Columbia administrators and faculty.

Students need cash, and fast. The newly generated jobs can be as superfluous and absurd as necessary, as long as they pay well.

Those morbid lectures on Schopenhauer do not come free and the depressing, miniscule cubicles that require sideways exits and entrances and roommates to touch feet while they sleep should cost more than a suite at the Pierre.

No one is denying these universities’ rights to expect a kidney and a Medditeranean home in San Tropez in return for the privilege of being confined to the toilet for a month after eating from the dining hall. This is what applicants knowingly sign up for.

However, these somewhat misguided students’ actions were more than a risk of arrest, imprisonment, and expulsion, their behavior served as a commentary on the unjust financial expectations of the university as well as a host of other fancy schools.

Yet as always, public service announcements must be given credit: drugs are not the answer.