Guantanamo Bay Detainees Love Terrorism and Harry Potter

According to George W. Bush’s “Decision Points,” the Guantanamo Bay detention camp is a magical place where all the inmates rehabilitate and enjoy the arabic version of Harry Potter in peace.

Guantanamo Bay Detainees Love Terrorism and Harry Potter

As we all know by now, George W. Bush is a tad delusional. This is the same former President who nearly suffered death via pretzel and considered Kanye West’s declaration of racism to be his lowest point of his two terms in the Oval Office.

In Bush’s recent attribute to American literature, “Decision Points,” he states that Gauntanamo wasn’t all gulag all the time. In fact, prisoners most certainly enjoyed its plethora of amenities like toilets and Harry Potter.

Forget the torture, everyone always dwells on the torture. Good ole’ Dubya showed his decency by providing Islamic translations about the “Boy Who Lived.” Hell, Dubya thinks he was coddling these guys. I mean, come on, we’ve all tried waterboarding at some point or another. It’s called playing in the pool with the mean kids.

It’s also glaringly clear that Bush confuses Gitmo with a Sandals Resort for terrorists.

However, recently, a lot has been made of reports that state 25% of former Gitmo detainees return to terrorism upon their release. And although this news should be as shocking as a fourth-grader who returns to shooting spitballs after being released from after-school detention, news outlets find this statistic alarming.

But is this really a surprise? How many ex-convicts return to a life of crime after parole? If you’re like me and use “The Wire” as a guide to inner-city life, the answer is a lot. The fact the 75% of Guantanamo detainees have decided to leave a life suicide bombing behind them is excellent news. After the famously shitty conditions of the detention camp were made public, it’s a surprise that 100% of released detainees didn’t have Osama on speed dial.

Especially since the United States has proved to be completely incapable of convicting terrorists of anything more than having a severe dislike of America. Making it pretty clear that they’ll never have to return to Bush’s Little Havana Hell.

Obama’s administration vowed to shut down the detention camp, but yada yada yada two years later it’s still open and continuing to make news. On the bright side, at least the number of tenants is dwindling, giving prisoners more one-on-one attention with Gitmo’s famously cordial guards.