Charlie Sheen is Winning

Charlie Sheen is a bright shining star.

Charlie Sheen is Winning

Over the past couple months Charlie Sheen has been catching a lot of flack from the mainstream media about his ‘supposed’ implosion. His booze and drug fueled antics with prostitutes and porn stars have been reported ad nauseum from the likes of TMZ to CNN. Our nation seems to be mesmerized by Sheen’s extended lapse in sanity. His life seems to be in tailspin highlighted by multiple trips to the hospital, rehab, and porn stars’ vaginas.

However in yesterday’s Charlie Sheen rant, we learn that he has a very different opinion on his lifestyle – winning.

Sheen appeared on Alex Jones’ Radio Show, while on vacation in the Bahamas, to bless the world with a rant that perfectly explains is actions. He is Charlie Sheen, world-famous actor, multi-millionaire, noted bachelor, famed partier and full-blown lunatic. When he decides to do a mountain of cocaine followed by an orgy with his harem of porn stars he keeps on retainer, he simply does it because he’s winning.

We struggle to understand this because as Sheen so eloquently puts it, “they [everyone that’s not Sheen] lay down with their ugly wives and loser children and they look at me and say ‘I can’t process it!’ Well, no, and you never will. Stop trying and sit back and enjoy the show.”

Can we find this man a lifetime achievement award? Because if he’s considering his life a show, Sheen might be the greatest entertainer of the generation.

Some people have started to pity Charlie Sheen, and critics have stated that he’s completely lost control. Even his father has spoken out about his concerns about his son’s lifestyle. But according to ‘Wild Thing’ he’s tired of acting as though he’s struggling with addiction and his life is a disaster, because it’s totally not, bro.

“I’m tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second, and I’m not perfect and bitching and delivering the goods at every single turn… Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I’m done … you don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun. I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. “

Forgetting the fact he sounds about as articulate as a stoned high schooler from the west coast (he uses about 3 variations of the word gnarly in his rant), he’s completely right. Who are we to say his life isn’t “perfect and bitching?” He gets paid over $2 million per episode of “Two and a Half Men,” which also happens to be the No. 1 rated comedy on television. He lives his life like every moment is 2 a.m. on Friday night.

Apparently CBS studios felt like he’s too mentally unstable to “deliver the goods” anymore, considering “Two and a Half Men” is cancelled for the rest of the season. The show’s creator Chuck Lorre has publicly stated that he fears for Sheen’s health, and more recently he offered this comment, that helped prompt Charlie Sheen’s most recent rant.

“I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers. If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.”

Lorre’s comment shows that he listens to his doctor and dentist and paid attention in high school health class. You know, like most people do, it’s common sense. If you don’t abuse your body, you tend to live longer.

But Sheen believes that his famous body doesn’t operate like the millions of other minions that walk the earth, wishing their lives were more like his. He doesn’t appreciate anyone’s input on who he fucks, what goes up his nose, and especially when he is or isn’t fit for work.

“I embarrassed him [Lorre] in front of his children and the world and I healed at a pace that his unevolved brain can’t process… I’ve got magic and poetry in my fingertips most of the tip and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 bro. I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

Not many people compare themselves to a F-18 fighter jet, but guess what? Not many people are Charlie Sheen. There is something poetic about his half-hour rant, I’m not sure if it was his sharp 80’s stockbroker vernacular or getting to the truth of the fact that we now know he really doesn’t care about any of his critics. This is a snapshot of a celebrity gone mad, or as Sheen would say:

“This is my life. Deal with it. Oh wait, [you] can’t process it? Losers. Winning. Bye bye.”