In case it wasn’t clear enough before the Nazi street festival in Charlottesville, the president is a bag of dicks. He’s an embarrassment. I like to joke about the president’s health a lot. I secretly wonder, as do many of you, that this whole thing could be over with just the right combination of stress and couple extra scoops of ice cream. Imagine all that weight just lifted off our shoulders. All that ass, I mean.
Look, I got everyone on the dementia kick and cracked wise about him having a stroke (which seems more likely now than his removal from office). Yeah, I don’t like Trump. It is known. He’s an old fogey and it’s just kind of funny to goof about his age and you’d be lying if you said it hasn’t crossed your mind. He’s a bad person and the sooner we no longer have to call him “president,” the better.
I’m not talking assassination. That, no matter how karmic, would be a tragedy for the country that would send us into a tailspin of conspiracy theories and raw feelings from which there’d be no escape. But let’s just fantasize for a moment that a massive coronary puts the Emperor King of Reddit on his back. You’re all doing it anyway. The best case scenarios for ending all of this (and we’ve all thought about them) are also the worst case scenarios. Imagine that. We’re plum fuck out of best case scenarios. But come on. I’m thinking it. You’re thinking it. Mike Pence and a lot of Republicans are definitely thinking it. How much more stable would this world be if Trump just keeled over while scarfing on a chicken wing? No more pussy-grabbing, no more nuclear paranoia, no more footsie with the Nazis, no more bullshit.
Who’s going to want to honor this man except the most tragically brainwashed ? It’s also important to remember that Obama will outlive him. He’s 15 years younger. He will attend the funerals of every person in high office who ever gave him a hard time. The Clintons, Speaker Boehner, Senator McConnell, Senator McCain, Governor Romney, and The Donald. No matter what, he gets the last word.
Hunter S. Thompson said of Nixon after his death, “If the right people had been in charge of Nixon’s funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles.” And it feels the same with Trump. You just have to game this thing out to its logical conclusion. If there’s one president in American history who ever deserved to have his grave pissed on, it’s Donald Trump. When the time comes, should Obama or the Clintons even bother to attend his funeral? No matter how much the former presidents won’t want to go, pulling a no-show is not an option.
What kind of service would it even be? Wouldn’t it more appropriate for it to take place in Russia? Or maybe a burial at sea, you know, like Osama bin Laden? His body should be sent adrift in the Hudson and lit aflame with an arrow fired by Obama himself. Or maybe at Mar-A-Lago, for a well timed sinkhole to consume the whole godforsaken place. Trump’s ashes should be shot out of a T-shirt cannon over an abandoned trailer park replete with rabid, mangy dogs chained to stakes in the ground — only to be witnessed by a half-interested gypsy encampment high on meth. But he’s the president. So, no matter what, he will be given a state funeral. All kinds of people who hated him in life will have to attend and say nice things. That’s what we do in politics, after all, when someone dies or falls ill.
Trump is not the most healthy president to ever grace the Oval Office. Obama and Bush are fitness freaks, so they’ll be the last ones standing. Even Bill Clinton has gone vegan, so he’s got a good chance of seeing the end of Trump.
What would this funeral circus look like? Clinton will talk for a long time without saying anything and will probably sneak in a few veiled insults. Bush will talk about the solemn duty every president has to protect the country. He’ll gloss over how Trump stomped Jeb’s political life to death. And then there’s Obama.
Regardless of how much they hated each other, I’m sure #44 will say something totally appropriate, normal, and professional. He could just stay home in sweatpants, eating his seven almonds and binging Netflix. The urge to kick dirt over his old rival’s grave will be strong. He should bring Luther, his anger translator, to deliver the eulogy. He could bring huge industrial fans out to blow copies of his birth certificate all over the crowd. He could drop his pants and drag his ass over the grave.
But, alas, he’s too classy for anything like that. He’ll talk about Trump’s bizarre love of his country, and give it the least amount of respect it deserves. He’ll speak about how the American identity allows for personalities such as his and Trump’s to occupy the same space. Yeah, yeah, Obama. I can see it coming already. Or maybe he could just do what the rest of us will: Quietly savor the sweet relief of knowing the world is now a slightly better place and enjoy the silence.
[photos: AP, Getty]