Andy Rooney’s Reign of Opinionated Terror Is Over

After 163 years of being out of touch and extremely grumpy about it, Andy Rooney is calling the quits.

America’s most polarizing curmudgeon, Andy Rooney, is finally putting his typewriter in storage, hanging up his Rockports and calling it a career.

Since 1978, Rooney has been a fixture as “60 Minutes’” out of touch social commentator. We’ve come to know him as a man who’s truly annoyed with everyone and about everything he encounters in his daily life.

Every Sunday night for the past 30 plus years, Rooney’s couple minute segment has been spent addressing whatever peccadillo he’s particularly flustered by that week. He’s the poster boy for cranky old men everywhere, and there is nothing endearing about it. Because unlike most 92-year-old men, Rooney is surprisingly with it, he simply refuses to adapt or conform to modern times. This is why I don’t respect Rooney’s opinions, because he makes no attempt to understand.

His list of dislikes is longer than the United States Constitution. Hell, if it were up to him, it probably would be our constitution.

He doesn’t like contemporary music. Two years ago, Rooney spent his segment complaining about Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and Usher while claiming no one knows who Ella Fitzgerald is anymore.

Rooney once complained that people are now carrying too many things in their bags. The grand inquisitor took to the streets and questioned what women and men stuffed in their purses and backpacks. People’s answers ranged from books to water and gym clothes. Everything was unreasonable to the Roonster.

Did you know Andy Rooney likes naps? Bet you could have guessed that, but he figured he let us know anyway. He gets tired and naps to recharge his batteries. What a novel concept, right? He also advised his audience to give it a try. Thanks for imparting your endless wisdom, Andy!

Every Sunday these are the types of mindless topics Mr. Rooney brings to our living rooms. Did you know movie tickets and cornflakes were cheaper when he was a kid? Or that his wrist hairs get caught in metal watch bands?

All good writers and reporters are observers. The better you are at noticing and describing what is going on around you, the better writer or reporter you become. It might be hard to believe now, but in his day Andy Rooney was a respected reporter. When he got older he continued to observe and report, however his problem became his inability to translate his observations into anything of worth.

So this weekend we say farewell to Andy Rooney, one of the most divisive figures in American news. He’ll most likely take a look back on his 33 years behind his desk, possibly read some fan mail, and discuss how he likes toothpicks but hates how they become ineffective when the tip dulls.

Good luck in retirement Mr. Rooney. Congratulations on the past three decades. Now please keep your opinions to yourself.

[Gawker]