Democratic State Senator Constance Johnson, representing Oklahoma City, has taken an opportunity of her state’s personhood legislation, SB 1433—introduced by Senator Brian Crain (R-Tulsa)—by attaching a satirical amendment defining sperm as sacred. Precious bodily fluids, if you will.

Johnson’s hand-written amendment reads:

However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.

Indeed, there are many sheets, rags, carpets, blankets, Kleenex, socks, bathtubs, underwear, towels, stomachs, backs, hair, mouths, buttocks, nostrils, hands, cups, ears, nipples, plates, spoons, forks, rubber gloves, and various other surfaces, both animate and inanimate that have been the receptacles where sperm have gone to die.

As Johnson wrote in an op-ed for The Guardian:

As a woman and a 31-year veteran of the legislative process in Oklahoma, I am increasingly offended by state law trends that solely focus on the female’s role in the reproductive process. With Oklahoma’s new, never-before-experienced Republican majority, we are seeing enactment of more and more measures that adversely affect women and their rights to access safe medical procedures when making reproductive healthcare decisions…

The Personhood bill would potentially allow governmental intrusion into families’ personal lives by policing what happens to a woman’s eggs without any similar thought to what happens to a man’s sperm…

Finally, this amendment seeks to draw humorous attention to the hypocrisy and inconsistency of this proposal – from the Republican perspective of down-sized government and less government intrusion into people’s private affairs.

Well-argued by the State Senator from Oklahoma City, but one final question: would Johnson’s bill, though an exercise in absurdity, govern nocturnal emissions?