DISCLAIMER: The following six future technologies we want now is not meant to be taken too seriously. This is not hard-hitting journalism and is merely meant for some Friday fun. Dig it.
Work-Day Hallucinogen
I originally imagined this as a short story (copyrighted!). The idea being that nobody really likes to work. What if we could take a psychedelic substance that puts us into a trance, allowing the day to pass in a mere second. All the productivity that capitalism demands without the work that people despise. We would, in effect, be drones—but useful drones. We would effectively eliminate the negative psychological effects of work, too, such as depression, anger, madness, etc. Gone, too, would be the memory of stupid co-workers and dickhead bosses.
Self-Tranforming Multicolored Underwear
Let’s face it, everyone wants this technology, even the people who go commando.
Horn-E-Meter
Screw OkCupid…. The Horn-E-Meter (a pun on Scientology‘s E-Meter) would measure the horniness of bucks in rut and does in heat. It would allow sex-starved individuals to find each other more easily and skip the dating shit. Imagine walking down the street and knowing exactly who is starving for a fuck. The downside of this technology is that you would know exactly who is starving for a fuck.
Gas Neutralizer
Ever had to pass gas on a date at a movie theater while you’re right in the middle of seating, and a quick exit is far too difficult a proposition (crop dusting, for example)? A fart neutralizer could penetrate into your bowels and scatter the gas. Problems would arise naturally in precisely where the gas would be scattered, so perhaps the neutralizer could extract the gas and store it in the device for later release.
Fun could also be had by releasing the fart at a later date on people who annoy you.
Molecular Assemblers
These things have already been theorized by K. Erik Drexler, and incorporated into Neal Stephenson’s cyberpunk novel “The Diamond Age.”
Molecular Assemblers are essentially a form of nano-technology that would allow molecules to be manipulated to form nearly anything: water, food, dildos, etc. One might imagine that this would shake the very foundations of capitalism, but I disagree. Some people would be better at assembling dildos than others, which people would want to buy. It would open up a whole new era of creative artisanal work.
Stand-In Worker Drone
Along the same line of thinking as the above Work-Day Hallucinogen, each human being could buy a stand-in worker, which would work that factory or data entry job while they enjoy a day at the beach or attempt to find that multi-dimensional gateway in Sri Lanka.
