What an exciting report I have for you guys live from Tampa, Florida! Just kidding. I did not get an RNC invite and I am currently typing away outside of Los Angeles. But nothing worthwhile actually happened anyway.

As your trusted correspondent for all things RNC, I come to you today with news that will shock you all; it was boring as hell, and for the first time in this campaign it was not Mitt Romney’s fault! Over the weekend the Republican National Committee decided to postpone all of the events on Monday until Tuesday because of oncoming Hurricane Isaac, which turned out to be little more than a bit of rain, leading to the sarcastic hashtag #HurricaneIsaacfail*.

But just because nothing official happened today doesn’t mean I won’t report about it.

Porn starlet and Sarah Palin impersonator Lisa Ann stripped over the weekend for Republican delegates at Thee Dollhouse Strip club. Some inside information from The New York Post says she chose an Eminem song for her dance. As you all know from our previous in-depth reports, strip clubs and bathhouses will be booming in business this week due to all of the sex-striven Republicans in town.

Moving on to what I hope will be in my mailbox sometime soon, the RNC swag bag seems to include a bunch of unusable crap. As Gawker reports, the bag included:

• One University of Tampa brochure and chip clip.
• One Tampa Bay Storm beer cozy.
• One poolside relaxation kit: cheap shades, sunscreen, handheld fan/ personal intimate massager.
• One package of CSX-branded breath mints.
• One copy of “The Patriot’s Essential Liberty Companion Guide to Our Founders’ Wisdom.”
• One copy of BAYPOP magazine
• One copy of Mitt Romney’s book, No Apology: The Case For American Greatness.

This has me asking questions: Who the hell are the Tampa Bay Storm? What kind of personal intimate massager was included? Is the copy of Mitt’s book paperback? If so, is it flammable? Anyway, I will get back to you on all of this after I receive my personal copy later this week in the mail as an apology for not getting invited.

Herman Cain also gave a speech last night at an alternate rally for the Tea party. Our favorite pizza man turned sexual assault man gave a gripping speech highlighting the fact that Obama needs to go down. Humorously enough, the Caintrain blamed his early exit on “lies and dirty politics.”

Stay with Death and Taxes for updates on everything you need to know about the Republican National Convention that the “gotcha” media will not tell you.

Follow Kevin @kpcamps.