I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking breakfast.

Factbomb: people spend a little under one day a month thinking about food. That is an insane amount of time, if you think about it. Have you ever done anything for two years, buddy? Have you? In my day we shat two years for breakfast.

Breakfast, though. Ha-cha! I pulled the ol’ changeroo on you. I just brought that up to talk about breakfast. Breakfast is America’s favorite meal. How do I know that? Because fuckin’ Supertramp sang about it:

You know nothing about anything unless Supertramp sang it, man. That shit, that shit back in the day, man, they were great. They were really great. Sorry. Where was I? Ah yes. Breakfast. Think about it. Look. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna give you a little push. I’m gonna make you want that breakfast. Just stay right here, OK?

bacon

Did you see that shit? Yeah. Bacon. Bacon is America’s cocaine: we need it, we want it, we love it. Maybe we love a little cocaine bacon with our Supertramp. I mean shit, dude, could you fucking imagine eating bacon, eggs, toast, while doing a little bit of cocaine and listening to “The Logical Song”? I just blew your fucking mind. You just got a hard-on. If you’re a lady you just got a wide-on. That’s what they call them. Look it up.

Aww fuck, man, “Goodbye Stranger” just came on. This is such my jam! Dude, you know what else is amazing about breakfast? Cereal. You get to have. Cereal.

I mean don’t you just want to fuck your mouth with that? Don’t you just want to shove the spoon in your face like it is giving the mana of life? My friend you will suckle from the teat of cereal your whole life. That whole aisle in the supermarket is a big fucking metaphor for BIRTH and DEATH I mean think about how they’re laid out for a second – dude – kids stuff, kinda adult stuff, health shit, and then oatmeal. It’s a fucking metaphor and I’m right and you are right now emailing all your friends with this newfound information.

But yeah there are also waffles. I don’t think you can have waffles for any other meal. I feel like that would be cheating. Dude I just got really paranoid. Nah I’m cool. I’m cool. But waffles, though.

“Yo gimme all those donuts tho” – Prez Obama

There’s coffee too but you can have that all day. That shit is so legit. Can you imagine the first guy to make coffee? Like, “Hey I’m gonna roast the shit out of these beans and then grind them up and put them in water how about that.” That guy must have been hecka bored.

The same thing about milk, though, too, I mean, if you think about it. Can you imagine being the first dude to get under a cow and have a tug? What if your caveman buddy walked in on you? How would you explain it? Milk, dude. That shit is SO WEIRD if you think about it.

Holy fuck I didn’t even get to bagels yet!!!!!!!!

FUCK I LOVE BAGELS

Smoked salmon and dough in my face all day. That must be what being rich is like, eating a bagel, nawadamean? Like it’s all chewy and happy yet savory. Bagels. Man, they don’t even do bagels on the West Coast. I could never handle that. Bagels in LA? Fuhgedaboudit. Can’t find ‘em. There are like five places by me though here in Brooklyn. Dude, even Obama likes breakfast. Anyway so, yes, in summation, class, breakfast is fantastic. Vote breakfast in this and every election. Aight I’m out. Guess what I’m gonna eat. Guess. Starts with a “b”. Ends with an “agel” ohhhhhh snap thats right its a bagelllll.