What if Wayne LaPierre and Mike Huckabee were on ‘Fantasy Island’?
After this week, I feel like we could all use a good dose of schadenfreude. If there is anything that I’ve kept thinking it’s that I’d just so love to see all these jerks running around trying to blame gun violence on anything but guns get exactly what they’ve been asking for (in an “innocent bystander free zone”, of course). I’ve always been a big fan of ‘Fantasy Island’- the magical sitcom island where Mr. Roarke and Tatoo grant everyone wishes and then watch gleefully as they all turn out horribly. So let’s take a break and just imagine how awesome it would be if Wayne LaPierre and Mike Huckabee got a taste of some sweet, sweet Ricardo Montalban-style justice….
“The plane! The Plane! Mr. Roarke, who are our guests this week?”
“Ah, Tatoo, this week, we have two utopians. Mr. Wayne LaPierre and Mr. Mike Huckabee. Both men have some interesting ideas about reducing gun violence. You see, Mr. LaPierre is sure that the world would be more peaceful if everyone was armed to the teeth, and if we were to get rid of various media from 1995 or so. Mr. Huckabee believes that the solution is not to regulate guns, but to make children pray while at school, and to eliminate contraception, gay people, women who have sex for pleasure, and abortions.”
“That is strange, Mr. Roarke. What do those things have to do with gun violence? I must be missing something!”
“Ah, Tattoo, Mr. Huckabee believes that all of the world’s problems could be solved if only people were more severely punished for enjoying sex. Because certainly sexual repression has never led to any kind of violence before.” (THIS IS WHERE MR. ROARKE WINKS KNOWINGLY.)
So, then LaPierre and Huckabee are whisked away to their glorious island adventures. At first, LaPierre is thrilled and delighted to see men, women, children and babies armed to the teeth and even all wearing those bullet sash things like Rambo wore. “Oh my! This must be the most peaceful nation on earth!”, he remarks to himself as he strolls around the town, which of course looks exactly like Mayberry. He goes into the soda shop, where he of course meets the lovely Markie Post.
There is an immediate attraction, as LaPierre is thrilled to see that her fluffy blonde hair is held up with ammo and Aquanet.
Mr. Huckabee and his family are equally thrilled to see all of the guns, but even more excited about the vast amount of places where one may view the 10 Commandments. Not to mention the fact that even the Post Office doubles as a Church. “God is everywhere, hooray!” they shout. Huckabee is especially pleased to hear the screams coming from the local asylums where they have put all of the wanton sluts and gay people.
Mr. LaPierre decides that he ought to ask Markie Post on a date, and suggests they go to the movies. However, she informs him that there are no movies here, because their society has eliminated all media featuring any kind of sex or violence. The only thing available to watch are old episodes of “The Donna Reed Show” that have been edited for any untoward content, and episodes of “Happy Days” that don’t feature Fonzie. LaPierre is fine with that and suggests they go to a restaurant instead.
The next day, Mike Huckabee is so very happy to be sending his kids to a school where they talk about god all day long and never, ever mention any gross things like science and history that is not about how old white dudes are the most awesome ever. How fun that will be! But then- TRAGEDY STRIKES. The Huckabee children are tortured all day long for being “evil papists” rather than good Baptist children. The ensuing conflict in the school incites several children to bust out their guns, and everyone starts shooting at one another, some out of anger, some to “protect” the students. Everyone views themselves as merely standing their ground. The Huckabee children tragically die.
While LaPierre and Markie Post go on their date, they are immediately accosted by the morality police, who are a real thing in this society. Because she is wearing a swimsuit, she is immediately hauled away for being an evil Jezebel out to trick innocent men into raping her. LaPierre begins shooting at them, and they shoot at him and soon everyone there, except for him is dead.
Devastated, Huckabee and LaPierre go back to Mr. Roarke and ask him to undo their wishes and to bring everyone back to life. Huckabee realizes that even he wouldn’t be exempt from intolerance and judgment in the kind of world he desires to live in. LaPierre realizes that maybe easy access to assault rifles doesn’t make the world a better place, and that video games and movies from 1995 are not really to blame for all of the bad things in the world. Mr. Roarke, determined to make things right, once again must do battle with Devil Roddy McDowell. He asks only that if he makes this sacrifice that Huckabee and LaPierre agree to try to think rationally about things, and to perhaps embrace Occam’s Razor a bit more in the future.
As usual, Mr. Roarke wins, and everyone is revived. Including Markie Post, who it turns out was also a guest, and whose wish it was to be able to effect some change in the way people view reasonable gun control. She and Wayne LaPierre kiss passionately and walk onto the plane together. Mike Huckabee gives his whole family a huggabee, and vows to treat people the way he would want to be treated, and to be tolerant of others in hopes that they will be tolerant of him and his family should they ever be the ones excluded. You know, the one part of the bible he seemed to keep forgetting about.
Tatoo and Mr. Roarke smile knowingly, and wave at the plane as it disappears into the ether, and look forward to their next guests, Glenn Beck and Victoria Jackson.