dolphins

Woman waxes poetic about giving precious, sensual hand-jobs to a dolphin

Jun 10, 2014

There are certain things everyone is supposed to want to do, and if you don’t want to do them, they think you are an asshole. One of these things is seeing the Grand Canyon. People think you’re a jerk if you feel pretty meh about the idea of travelling out to Arizona to go stare at the Grand Canyon, like you must be missing some piece of your soul. Another is swimming with dolphins. I have had more dumb arguments about how something must be deeply wrong with me simply because I do not desire to swim with dolphins. It’s not like I don’t have my reasons. Although, they are mostly that I think it would be really boring and because dolphins are super rapey. There are like, 14 incidents of dolphin rape or attempted rape a year, and I do not ever intend to be one of them.

And sure, you may be thinking that it would be really tough for a dolphin to rape you–because what? Are they going to hold onto you with their slippery flippers from which you could easily escape? Nope. They grab onto you with their penises–their prehensile penises–and drag you down to their dolphin rape cave and violate you as you drown. Does not sound so magical to me.

But still, people just have this thing about freaking dolphins. Case in point? This lady, Margaret Howe Lovatt, who worked for some kind of NASA dolphin program in the 1960s. She loved dolphins. Like really, really loved dolphins. In the biblical sense.

Via The Guardian:

“Peter liked to be with me,” explains Lovatt. “He would rub himself on my knee, or my foot, or my hand. And at first I would put him downstairs with the girls,” she says. But transporting Peter downstairs proved so disruptive to the lessons that, faced with his frequent arousals, it just seemed easier for Lovatt to relieve his urges herself manually.

“I allowed that,” she says. “I wasn’t uncomfortable with it, as long as it wasn’t rough. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch – just get rid of it, scratch it and move on. And that’s how it seemed to work out. It wasn’t private. People could observe it.”

For Lovatt it was a precious thing, which was always carried out with great respect. “Peter was right there and he knew that I was right there,” she continues. “It wasn’t sexual on my part. Sensuous perhaps. It seemed to me that it made the bond closer. Not because of the sexual activity, but because of the lack of having to keep breaking. And that’s really all it was. I was there to get to know Peter. That was part of Peter.”

The creepiest thing about this is that it’s somehow not supposed to be as crude as someone sexing up a dog or cow or chicken. Why? Because weirdos think dolphins are somehow almost human. And because they think they’re like, magical, mystical creatures like unicorns and stuff that just happen to be real. But sorry, just because you think dolphins are magical, doesn’t mean that you’re not kind of gross for jerking one off.

Which, yeah, you are. Because guess what? Sorry to disappoint you, but dolphins are not freaking magical, and they’re actually not any smarter than chickens. The neurologist Lovatt was working with, John Lilly, was basically a New Age wacko who has had his work thoroughly debunked several times over. If it gives you some sort of weird happiness to believe that dolphins are special and magical and should probably even assist you in having your baby, go ahead, I guess. Whatever gets you through the day.

Unsurprisingly, people wanting to bang dolphins is kind of a thing, which is why I do not recommend you do a Google search for “delphinophilia” until you get home from work. Perhaps not even them.

Lovatt’s romantical time with the friendly, magical, kinda-rapey mammals of the sea will be documented in an upcoming BBC documentary, “The Girl Who Talked to Mammals.” Which I will obviously watch the hell out of.

 

Around the Web
Comments