The Dreaded Egg Recall is Upon Us: Thanks Galt, Iowa

First Pringles, then Toyotas and now eggs? Dammit, how is anyone supposed to eat a well-balanced breakfast now?

As the world turns, the Year of the Recall continues, this time with the most popular and versatile breakfast food: eggs.

Wright County Egg in Galt, Iowa is apparently the protagonist in this war on the most important meal of the day. Salmonella outbreaks are pretty common in the great United States of America –- at Taco Bell, not on my morning bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. Everyone knows the risk of eating at Taco Bell: stomachaches, explosive diarrhea, memory loss and, in the majority of cases, brutal death.

However, there is a comfort in ordering a taylor ham, egg and cheese sandwich from a grease-truck street vendor that could not possibly pass health-code standards. Sure, ten years of starting your day with these sandwiches could possibly give you a heart attack at a young age, but damn it’s delicious.

Now there are 228 million eggs that have been distributed with intent to kill, just kidding — to give us Typhoid Fever. We’re now playing Russian roulette with our egg intake and that’s not a game we should be playing. Wright County Egg is forcing us to participate in a game that makes pork-fried rice risky, as if Chinese food wasn’t perilous enough to begin with.

This massive egg recall is the most devastating our country has faced so far this year; it puts Toyota and McDonald’s “Shrek” cups to shame. The Prius is an environmentally friendly car with a pesky accelerator problem, but the entire world doesn’t drive Toyotas. Shrek is recognized worldwide as a friendly green ogre, but that doesn’t mean children over the age of 12 got those souvenir cups.

Without eggs we’re left helpless in our search for appetizing morning meals. For the immediate future we need to avoid delicious omelets, egg salads, scrambled eggs, sunny side up eggs, eggs benedict, bacon egg and cheese sandwiches, corn bread and meatloaf. What are we left to eat in the morning? Cheerios? Yea, they may lower cholesterol, but can you toss in mushrooms and ham to enhance its deliciousness? Nope. Don’t even think about Fruit Loops, they make your skin turn purple.

The people this recall should really worry are the poor souls tricked by their father to believe drinking raw eggs is cool because that’s how Rocky trained. This train of thought sometimes leads to the drunken idea that raw eggs are a decent late-night snack.

No one ever told me I could get salmonella from that! Thanks dad, Sly Stallone, the film industry and Wright County Egg for peddling death one feces-covered egg at a time.