Huge blue vagina expected to cream the mid-Atlantic
If you’re anything like me, you’ve already gotten five texts from your mom this morning about the huge, blue vagina currently set to cream the mid-Atlantic and parts of the south and northeast.
According to the National Weather Service, Winter Storm Jonas is already engulfing large portions of the country in its icy folds, so people from D.C. to New York should do themselves a cervix and call it clits on any plans they may have had to eat out tonight. It will feature strong, possibly damaging winds, significant icing, and dangerously wet conditions on the roads. The snow is expected to start in New York City around midnight, with the climax occurring sometime in the early morning.
(Fun fact: Some meteorologists finger global warming as the cause of more frequent and vigorous storms.)
As of Thursday afternoon, some 73 million Americans had been engulfed by Jonas, or as it really should be called, Winter Storm Gaia. With news reports on every station, those in the storm’s path know what’s cumming, so there’s really nothing to do now but buy some groceries, snatch up your children, and find a warm, accommodating hole in which to hide for a 12-24 hour period.
Previously: Huge green penis expected to pound the Northeast.