Is it 2020 yet?
It’s clear that President Trump doesn’t like the job he stumbled into and doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. One could say, with his unfavorables, that it’s impossible for him to run for reelection, and that he’s merely doing what he does best: Posturing, in the event he sees a second term as untenable.
But if, god forbid, he’s in it for the long haul, or at least as long as the haul gets for a man in his 70s, 2020 is on. Trump only won in 2016 by 80,000 votes in three swing states. He still lost the popular vote. It’s hard to beat an incumbent, but after four years of flip-flopping, making an ass of himself, and nothing to show for it, voters whose loyalty isn’t exactly rock solid might be hard to win back.
Trump should get primaried but probably won’t. The Rock and John Kasich are good choices if you’re a cuck. As lovely as it would be to wake up to news of Trump not running for reelection, or better yet, that he physically can’t, perhaps the best way to extract the poisonous tick that is the president might just be the old fashioned way. Beat him. What Democrats need is someone with no baggage or bullshit and an acid tongue. Unforeseen scandals and gaffes could fell any one of the many who will run. The eventual nominee could be someone we don’t even know about yet. So a lot of this is like trying to handicap the impossible, but let’s have a little fun.
Elizabeth Warren is the heir apparent and the ideal president, but Democrats need someone who can run for a second term. Her spirit may young, but Warren herself is old. Granted, she could run for one term and then turn it over to a younger, dynamic vice president. Someone to reassure the still necessary corporate Democrats. Like a Kirsten Gillibrand, for instance. An all-woman ticket would let the country (and history) know where the Democratic Party stands. But the highest priority for the country is to defeat Trump and not allow him a second term. End of discussion.
Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders are all too old. Please stop talking about them. Their time is over. They can hope to be kingmakers, but that’s it. Get over it. Democrats need someone young, fresh and new. Say it with me: No. More. Olds. And you can all stop hyperventilating over Chelsea Clinton and Michelle Obama. They’re not running either. Nor should they. The Obamas can’t risk the Clinton curse, and the Clintons are over. Plus, who wakes up in the morning and has any human reaction to Chelsea Clinton? Who cares?
So, operating within this reality where no one above age 60 need apply, let’s look at some younger (or youngish) people who should actually run for president. And remember, literally any of these people would be a million times better than Trump.
Long story short: Things aren’t as hopeless for Democrats as they would seem. The bench is deeper than you think, and Trump’s support is weaker than you assume. Come on. Let’s overthrow a king.
Zuck has made no bones about the fact that he’s in the early stages of something political. For a man who can read your every interaction, he seems to be going on a lot of listening tours in “real America.” He’s a long shot, but a perfect one if you think about it. Unlike Trump, he’s a real billionaire and compelling millennial. He changed the world in his 20s. Don’t you want to see what he can do in his 30s?
Senator Kirsten Gillibrand
Gillibrand used to be a blue dog before she was appointed to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate. Whatever. Since Trump’s inauguration, she has fought harder than any other Democrat in Washington, and has a breezy relatability that hits a level that few of her contemporaries can. She has foreign policy experience and has spent her time trying to pull the military out of the dark ages.
Senator Al Franken
Unlike Trump, Franken has taken his political career very seriously since giving up his celebrity. That, his solid politics, coupled with his wit, makes him the new Sanders without the self-destructive egotism. He might have difficulty being a presidential frontrunner, but if Trump can do it, so can Franken. Plus, he’d be an insanely attractive VP choice. Franken’s ego (or self-deprecating ego) works better than Sanders’s broken promises and endless bullshit.
Senator Amy Klobuchar
I’m not gonna lie. Klobuchar is my ideal pick for president. She should have run in 2016. She’s the real deal and can win Iowa and New Hampshire easy-peasy. But she may be too cool for all this nonsense.
Senator Cory Booker
Leftists will give Booker a hard time because of his coziness with Wall Street, but his hippie spirit, kindness, and gentleness would be a hell of a thing to see countering Trump’s aggressive anger. It would be an even more interesting experiment to see his kind of love sermons in the Oval Office. And how great would it be to sandwich the dark and stormy Trump between two overly positive and sunny black guys?
Governor Andrew Cuomo
Cuomo is the Democrats’ Mitt Romney, except he won’t be the nominee. Tell me where he does well. Iowa? Ha. New Hampshire? No way. South Carolina? Bahahahaha.
Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom
Newsom is finally going to win in 2018 and become governor of California. Take it to the bank. And one day he will run for president. He was like the Moses of marriage equality and has paid his dues to the party. Forget the politics and just look at him…. My god. President me, daddy, president me. Dear god. He looks so good you have to check and make sure that he’s not the actual devil.
Senator Kamala Harris
Harris has been coming for a long time. She might not be the best campaigner and a bit of a pain in the ass on the trail, but since becoming a senator in 2016, she has done everything right. She’s a criminal justice policy wonk, even to her own detriment, but she’s also relatable, real, self-aware, and has fighting words for everything. She is what the Democrats are and always will be.
Mayor Eric Garcetti
The Los Angeles mayor is interesting for a number of reasons. With Trump as president, there is no reason for mayors to wait for higher statewide office in order to run for president. I mean, look at the president; he used to put on beauty pageants and a reality TV show. So Garcetti isn’t exactly tailored to the early voting Democratic states and their primaries, but he’s a cute little charmer who likes to curse. He has the big swinging balls to make a good run at Trump.
Mayor John Fetterman
Though perfectly suited to the moment and mood of the country, Fetterman will probably not run for president in 2020. He’s told me as much. But he should. He’s not some California liberal. He’s a salt-of-the-earth, real-world progressive that the country is obviously ready for. He’s so genuine he’s too busy improving his town of Braddock, that he can’t be bothered with national political shenanigans. But god damnit, there will never be a better time for this guy to run. Imagine a badass giant Democrat who could win almost every swing state Trump voter, who just so happens to walk the walk and has a heart of gold. Don’t you want Trump to have to look up at him on a debate stage?
Senator Tammy Duckworth
Like Harris, Democrats have been pushing Duckworth for a while, and Illinois shares a media market with Iowa and that’s what helped Obama in 2008. Think of how satisfying it would be for a war veteran liberal to become the country’s first woman president and kick Trump’s ass.
Cuban ended 2016 as one of Trump’s greatest nightmares. A younger, mouthy, Democrat-supporting, real billionaire, blowing holes in Trump’s ass every chance he gets is also now a real possibility within this new reality.