Charlie Sheen lost his wallet last night, then he reacted, um, poorly.

What do you call going to the hospital after drunkenly, belligerently, and nakedly tossing around your furniture and breaking a chandelier in your Plaza Hotel room while a prostitute hides terrified in the closet? The craziest night of your life? The strangest role play concept ever? An interesting dream? The opening sequence of “Hangover 2?”

Well, Charlie Sheen calls it Monday on family vacation.

Last night, America’s middle-aged bad boy was out partying and at some point during the debauchery lost his wallet. Normal people react poorly to losing their wallet, they search frantically and retract their steps, but ultimately resign to the fact that it was either stolen or stupidly left somewhere. Then those same normal people sulk for a little bit, cancel their credit cards and get a new license, library card, etcetera etcetera.

“Wild Thing” doesn’t roll like that. He’s going through a a rough divorce, and is only getting paid a mere $2 million per episode for “Two and a Half Men.” The man is clearly struggling, the last thing he needs is to lose his AmEX Black Card and wallet sized pictures of his favorite call girls children.

The best part of the Charlie Sheen hospitalized drama is the fact that he’s in New York on a family vacation with his ex-wife Denise Richards and their children. Normal family vacations to New York feature a trip to the MET or Museum of Natural History, followed by an Autumn stroll through Central Park and a great dinner at one of the city’s hundreds of excellent restaurants. Afterward, you tuck your kids in and maybe hit the hotel bar for a drink before bed, or in Sheen’s case a bottle.

There’s no evidence to suggest that didn’t happen, but the night sure ended in typical drunken Charlie fashion: with a TMZ report.

Typical drunk Charlie trashes his fully loaded Plaza Suite, complete with whore, and gets rewarded with a trip to the hospital, like some average Four Loko victim, instead of another mugshot.

The last few months in the saga of Charlie Sheen have been downright bizarre. He plead guilty to misdemeanor domestic violence charges, from the delightful 2009 Sheen Christmas when he allegedly held an open switchblade to the throat of his wife, Brooke Mueller, and threatened to kill her. He joined all the cool Hollywood bad-asses in rehab for a short stint. “Two and a Half Men” needed to postpone shooting due to the harmless Jon Cryer receiving death threats. Two (yes, two) of Sheen’s cars have been stolen and driven off cliffs. And now he lost his fuckin’ wallet.

It ain’t easy being Charlie Sheen.