Be on the lookout for an old man with candy and scalpel.
In a recent NBC news interview with Brian Williams, former Vice-President Dick Cheney admitted that he is considering a heart transplant to prolong his life. The 69-year-old Cheney has previously suffered from five heart attacks and the emotional stress of eight years in the Bush administration.
If we’ve learning anything about Cheney it’s that he’s one resilient bastard. What kind of faulty bionic heart can withstand five serious heart attacks over the course of 32 years? And more importantly why has it taken so long for Cheney to “consider” applying for a heart transplant?
Either Cheney is an extremely stubborn man, or he simply has a deep connection with his over-worked, under-performing heart. One would assume that a man in Cheney’s position would have stolen a heart from a dead Iraqi child years ago.
Just kidding! That would unethical and illegal, something the former CEO of Halliburton surely would know nothing about.
He may look and sound like a comic book villain, but in reality he’s simply an extremely rich old man with his sights set on immortality. He’s just an old weathered teddy bear with a faulty ticker.
One would think a man with the power, connections, and money of Dick Cheney would be given the best treatment the world could offer. Honestly, how long would he wait before his name was called off the donor list? Halliburton owns everything—the heart lottery should be more fixed than the year the Knicks drafted Patrick Ewing.
Granted, there are understandable risks involved with undergoing any surgery, especially with something as serious as a heart transplant. But who waits five heart attacks before considering a transplant? Other than Chris Farley in the Bill Swerkski’s Superfans skit on SNL?
Part of me believes Cheney could summon the power of Mola Ram from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” — you know, the guy with the useful talent of ripping hearts out of still-living human sacrifices. And if he was the leader of a Houston chapter of the secret Kali blood cult, I don’t think too many people would be surprised.
But at the end of the day Dick Cheney will always be known for questionable decisions. He left his extremely profitable post as CEO of Halliburton to join one of the most criticized presidency’s in US history. He infamously shot a 75-year-old Texas lawyer with a shotgun while quail hunting. And he chose to use the nickname Dick instead of simply Richard or Rich.
Replacing his faulty heart would probably be a good move—and if the surgeon can find a soul laying around somewhere, that would be a welcome addition.
In the meantime, children should be on the lookout for an old man carrying a 1970s style medical bag, Tootsie Roll Pops and a small cooler filled with ice.
January 18, 2011 at 7:52 pm, DanDruff said:
Matt Kiebus, you’re a wonderful writer. Keep it up! Look forward to reading more of your articles! Cheers.
January 18, 2011 at 8:29 pm, Ipajab said:
The only heart guaranteed not to reject Dick Cheney is currently preserved in pickle juice and once pumped sludge through Saddam Hhussain.
January 19, 2011 at 3:20 am, Veranos said:
He should qualify for a chicken heart
January 19, 2011 at 4:10 am, vicster said:
What heart? Cheney has a heart…..
January 19, 2011 at 9:49 pm, John Q said:
Dick Cheney HAS a heart?
Who woulda known, eh? War criminal bastard. Thief.
Halliburton got him off the hook on a muti-million $ bribe scandal in Nigeria. They paid $500 million?
Let’s see what his purported “heart is worth to them.
Can they pay off God?
January 20, 2011 at 2:10 pm, Elaine said:
At the moment in my local newspaper is a story about an old gentleman who fought in WW11.
After leaving his home in Poland as a very young man he fought in the British army in some tough campaigns and after the war lived an unblemished existence becoming a respected, hard working and dearly loved husband,father and citizen.
He has severe heart problems now and will die in the next six months if he doesn’t get a heart OP.
The health service says they have to set priorities and since this old gentleman is over 80 he is not seen as a priority as money is scarce and the treatment expensive.
Cheney is not being faced with this dilemma.
He is a super rich man with unlimited access to expensive and superior medical procedures.His only concern is should I or shouldn’t I and if so when?
The old man in my home town knows that he will die as his family can’t raise the money and the authorities have said no.
I know who I feel sorry for.