Evangelicals can learn a thing or two from their svelte prophet.

Bob Dylan famously quipped, “folk music is a bunch of fat people.” The same can be said of Evangelical Christians.

A recent study reported on by CNN found that “frequent churchgoers are frequently fatter.” (This is one of the site’s best headlines, by the way.)

Researchers are stumped as to why religious people eat more. Two possible guesses: a) religion is associated with good works so people reward themselves with high-calorie diets and b) people get fatter after they get married and marriage is important to the religious. Almost as important as divorce.

Arguably the most popular evangelical Christian in America is Mike Huckabee, a rhinoceros-whale of a man who is super fat even when he’s on a diet. If Huckabee needs to thank God for anything, it’s 16:9 aspect-ratio, widescreen televisions. Were it not for them his enormous frame couldn’t fit on screen whilst he sat in Fox Studios pontificating about the positive effects of religious libertarianism.

JC, on the other hand, was in great shape. That’s why Martin Scorcese cast Willem Dafoe as Jesus in “The Last Temptation of Christ.” Did you see that dude’s biceps in “Platoon”? Sick.

If Evangelicals want to shape up and resemble their savior in not only spirit but body, they’ll need some new Commandments.

Thou Shalt Not Eat
I. Dairy
II. Refined Sugars
III. Bread
IV. Rice
V. Fruit or Juice
VI. Anything crispy
VII. Anything shaped like a circle
VIII. Anything with the word “cream” in it.

Amen.