Author Archive
Timberland’s Suicide Scare — Malibu Style
August 25th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
There are plenty of reasons people commit suicide — this is not one of them.
The list of normal triggers ranges from mental illness and clinical depression, to stress over mid-term exams and gambling your mortgage in Vegas. It’s a serious issue, to take one’s life. According to a report yesterday by the famed and internationally respected news outlet TMZ, music mogul Timberland was recently at serious risk of ending his life.
You might be wondering why a multi-millionaire music producer, known for his hit-making collaborations with Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry and Nelly Furtado would want to kill himself. Could it be his miserable idea to produce Chris Cornell’s solo album “Scream”?
Nope. The harsh reality of the situation is that Timberland’s $2 million watch from Jacob & Co. was stolen, leaving him very upset. So upset that he went for a drive without telling anyone where he was going!
Since we all know what happens to Charlie Sheen’s cars when they mysteriously go for a drive (they go flying off cliffs), the Los Angeles County Sherif’s Department was notified and immediately sprung to action.
The police department for the stars didn’t simply send a squad car out to keep a lookout for the possibly suicidal Timberland. Nah, Malibu doesn’t roll like that. L.A. and Malibu’s finest sent out a helicopter and a fleet of cars on a “hunt” for the man who helped Justin bring sexy back.
Yes, a helicopter and multiple squad cars—all because Timberland went for a drive to blow off some steam. *Multiple sources confirm that last Spring Timberland spent an hour in the bathroom after coming out on the losing end of an intense game of Madden 2010. He locked the door, and didn’t respond to the request for a rematch. His friends grew worried. Fifteen minutes later the police used a battering ram to break into the bathroom, only to find Timberland leisurely reading Home & Garden and listening to John Denver on his Beats By Dre headphones. (*Complete bullshit.)
According to Forbes magazine, Timothy “Timberland” Mosley made $14 million last year, the eighth highest earner in hip-hop, without his watch from Jacob the Jeweler he drops all the way down to tenth. I guess that would be reason to get upset. According to the ever-reliable TMZ, Timberland was upset because he felt someone from his inner circle must have stolen the watch. A $2 million betrayal is definitely something to be upset about, but it should be met with a little street justice, not an emo car ride while listening to Dashboard Confessional.
It’s interesting that Timberland immediately skips over the mere notion that this could have been a professional heist spearheaded by Danny Ocean, Francois Toulour, Thomas Crown, or Robert MacDougal. This is quite foolish because as blockbuster films clearly demonstrate: all high profile thefts are done by George Clooney, Vincent Cassel, Pierce Brosnan, and Sean Connery.
I’d like to send a sincere thank you to the Los Angeles Sherif’s Department for confirming the belief that famous people are always more important in the eyes of the law.
If I ever lose a Casio DBC150 Databank watch on a Malibu beach and go for a drive in a Ford Focus to blow off some steam, it better look like a “Magnum P.I.”-style manhunt for me on the Pacific Coast Highway.
Will ’127 Hours’ Vault James Franco into the Oscar Conversation? (VIDEO)
August 25th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
It’s all fun and games until James Franco cuts off his arm with a dull blade.
Yesterday, Fox Searchlight released the much- anticipated trailer for “127 Hours,” the dramatic true story of Aron Ralston perilous days trapped in remote Utah canyon.
“127 Hours” is director Danny Boyle’s follow-up to his Best Picture winning film “Slumdog Millionaire.” After seeing the trailer, the cinematography alone is reason enough to see the film. Boyle makes the Utah canyons seem like an adult jungle gym, complete with slides, secret passages and hidden pools. It appears to be a serious amount of fun, until that whole buzz kill with the boulder crushing his arm.
The majority of the trailer is spent demonstrating how Franco’s adrenaline-addicted character loves being on the edge of nowhere, doing whatever floats his kitten. He falls hard off his bike, and then laughs it off. He has an orgy during a blizzard in a Jeep Grand Wagoner. He volunteers to give a couple lost lambs (Amber Tamblyn and Kate Mara) his own personal canyon tour. The Ralston character seems to be the type of person who base-jumps during his lunch break.
Free Blood’s “Never Hear Surf Music Again” bumps through the trailer and the lyrics certainly suggest that adrenaline is most definitely a drug: “Take it if it makes you numb, take it if it makes you come.”
Franco has a smile on his face the entire trailer, a smile reminiscent of the maniacal grin of “Franco” from “General Hospital,” until that pesky boulder crushes his arm.
The film premieres at the Toronto Film Festival in September and its success hinges solely on Jimmy Franco’s performance. There is a lot of buzz surrounding Franco and “127 Hours”—Oscar-level buzz. If Franco’s one man show can keep the audience riveted he may be looking at a Best Actor nomination, which would undoubtedly be the perfect end to a mind-bendingly interesting year.
Views of The Empire State Building: No Longer Available in The Garden State
August 25th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
The Empire State Building may soon be just another shadow in midtown Manhattan.
In Communist news the other day, an evil realty company lead by Lex Luther and Joseph Stalin, is planning to obstruct New Jersey’s view of the Empire State Building. Yea, the Garden State’s view of the most treasured building in New York City and one of the finest Art Deco masterpieces in the world is in danger. However, New York “patriots” are too busy boycotting the construction of a Mosque to notice the plans of a modern atrocity casting a shadow on our freedom.
The Vornado Realty Trust is planning on constructing a 1,219 ft. building within 900 ft. of the venerable Empire State Building. The new characterless monstrosity will sit across the street from Penn Station, North America’s busiest rail station, on 7th Ave and 34th Street. The hulking building would serve primarily as office buildings and replace the eyesore known as the Pennsylvania Hotel.
The Empire State Building has long transcended being just another collection of steel and glass. It is the symbol of the entire state of New York. Movies have immortalized the building. King Kong once kidnapped a blond movie star and died in a hail of gunfire atop the building. Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr inspired Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and countless others to fall in love atop the Empire State Building.
The primary argument between Empire State Building owners, Anthony and Peter Malkin, and Vornado Realty Trust is about how this will affect the iconic New York City skyline. The Empire State Building has run unopposed as the king of midtown for a long time. Millions stare at the national treasure each night as it lights the sky as the crown jewel of New York architecture.
The Vornado Realty Trust argues for the construction by citing that their new building at 15 Penn Plaza won’t impede the Empire State Building’s view of the sunset. Well, isn’t that a relief. It may completely engulf the Empire State Building’s view from its most iconic perspective, New Jersey, but thank God the lucky few inside the building can still catch a glimpse of the sunset.
The Malkin’s have requested the plans for the building be reduced to 825 ft., which would leave the undeterred views of the Empire State Building to the residents of Jersey City, Hoboken and the rest of the great state of New Jersey. This seems to be a reasonable compromise, which could promote a youthful presence to the skyline without disrespecting its elders. Too bad New Yorkers aren’t known to compromise.
20-somethings: Society’s Black Plague
August 24th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
20-somethings aren’t as bad as everyone would like you to believe.
There have been a number of articles recently speculating why America’s youth refuse to dive headfirst into adulthood. Most notably Robin Marantz Henig’s New York Times Magazine article, “What Is It About 20-somethings?”
Critics have complained about our lack of drive or commitment to making something of our lives. The current belief of parents, grandparents, journalists and most professionals is that today’s generation of 20-somethings are coasting through post-graduate life, waiting for the world to come to them.
It’s hard to make a compelling argument to the generations of adults that criticize our current post-graduate lifestyle. How do we reason the fact we are different, without sounding like pretentious, privileged punks? How do we explain that the age-old rules of growing up don’t apply to us?
Each day that passes where we aren’t reading the Wall Street Journal during the morning commute in our JoS. A. Bank suits is a disappointment. Our scruffy appearance and lack of formality is greeted with the disapproving head shakes of our middle-aged counterparts.
We are a generation of let downs and good-for-nothings with an excuse for everything. At least that is what we’re led to believe.
The popular excuse for our lack of productivity is our country’s current shitty economy and the recession we had no guilty hand in. Without sounding like a pompous know-it-all, I consider it a pretty damn good excuse. Granted, some of us have taken advantage of the situation and have given up on finding a job until the economy recovers, whiling away time playing video games and sleeping till 2 p.m. Some people choose to believe that this represents the majority of our generation, an army of slackers more interested in beer and bong hits than a consistent paycheck.
We have become the most recent stereotype in American culture. Asians can’t drive, white dudes can’t dance, Jewish people are cheap, Polish people are dumb, Irish people are drunks, blondes are airheads, and 20-somethings have no drive or ambition.
The reality is there aren’t any “real” jobs lying around begging to be snatched up. Those lucky few that do find their way into entry-level positions, whether that be through hard work or family connections, find themselves with starting salaries that could barely cover the cost of moving out, rent, food, hundred-thousand dollars in college loans, and, God forbid, spending money on quality-of-life purchases.
There is a quiet, stubborn, and most likely foolish belief among our generation that we can actually be whoever we want to be. It may be naïve, gullible, or flat-out stupid, but guess who instilled this outlandish grandeur in our heads? Who brainwashed us to believe we can achieve our dreams if we reach for the proverbial stars? All the generations before us.
Our parents, grandparents, teachers, and critics are the same people who have incessantly fed us clichés like “the world is your oyster,” or “you can do anything you want if you work hard and put your mind to it.”
When the ink on our diploma has long past dried, and the frame has nowhere to be hung, we start to hear whispers about our laziness. We brush them off as figments of our imagination. Our role models and leaders wouldn’t drive us one way for 22 years than take an abrupt u-turn after we walk across the stage at graduation, would they?
No one wants to believe that we worked hard. Hardly anyone thinks we put our mind to anything except sleeping and reality television. Not to sound like a wimp, but the current job situation compounded with the general lack of confidence from people who used to give support makes the current situation all the more daunting. I mean, how could the thousands of recent graduates sending out their resume 50 times a week, usually with no hope of even a rejection e-mail, be considered lazy? How can people spending their days shuffling through the shit job opportunities on Craigslist, Monster.com, and CareerBuilder.com be told they have no work ethic, when they aren’t given the opportunity to work?
With each passing month uncertainty and pessimism haunts this generation of 20-somethings. Previous generations don’t realize that the concerns they lecture us about are the ones that make us lose sleep at night; it’s the reason we sometimes stare off aimlessly out windows and our voices trail off in conversations. We’re told we should be concerned about our futures -– no shit, really? Don’t you think that small uncertainty isn’t making us grow stray grey hairs?
Speaking for myself, I’m worried about not paying off my college loans till my mid-40s. I’m concerned my journalistic endeavors are nothing but a pipe dream, that in the end it will lead to wasted years of my life leaving me permanently being stuck behind my peers. I’m worried my 20s will fly by as quickly as my teens. I’m terrified of being a waste of talent, of never living up to that “potential” I heard so much about in high school.
We’re told we are weak for being uncertain. We go to school to study and prepare for our future careers, yet when we get out of school we’re told to find any job you can. We’re considered spoiled when we graduate with a degree in marketing and turn down a job peddling vacuums. Every day we’re being pulled in a different direction, damned if we do and damned if we don’t. And when we finally crack, when we sleep an extra hour after months of disappointment, we’re met with more criticism.
Why are we blamed for the lack of desire to abandon our youth to dive headfirst into this pool with no water? Is it wrong to associate “growing up” with misery, divorce, debt, taxes, sickness, and death? The current state of society doesn’t give us much to look forward to. Sorry we’re not psyched to file TPS reports and to inevitably hate our first spouse.
Some consider us the problem. Our lack of a presence in the work place is the reason our economy is struggling. College graduates are given the “world needs ditch diggers, too” speech before they’ve turned 25. There are middle-aged professionals laid off everyday because a recent graduate can do their job less efficiently for less money. We’re the last people they sit next to on the train. We’re a plague of useless vagabonds.
The reality is we’re only the product of the problem someone else’s generation started, and someday we’ll lend a hand with a solution. Until then we’ll help inflate national average in heart attacks, strokes, mental breakdowns, depression, blood pressure, alcoholism, and stress-related injuries, because I guess we’ve got to contribute somehow.
The Beauty of the Roger Clemens Indictment: Mets Fan Edition
August 20th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
I would like to start by saying I’m writing this article with an extreme prejudice: I’m a Mets fan. I hate Roger Clemens. He’s a selfish, cheating liar who deserves every ounce of bad karma and publicity that comes his way.
There are a plenty moments in the past 11 years when being a Mets fan has severely shaken my psyche and lowered my quality of life. In 99% of these instances it’s my beloved Metropolitans that are at fault for my heartbreak and mental instability.
However there is one moment in the 2000 World Series, that psychologically ruined the Mets, and it wasn’t their fault. It involved Roger Clemens, a broken bat and Mike Piazza.
I was 13 during the 2000 Subway Series, and the Mets were my ultimate concern in life. Not much has changed, except my pessimism can now depress small towns by my mere presence. The Mets had just inexplicably blown game one of the World Series and now faced the best pitcher in baseball for game two. It didn’t look promising, but I was optimistic -– I was stupid.
During a previous meeting between the Mets and Yankees earlier in the season, Clemens inexplicably threw a 97-mph fastball between Piazza’s eyes, knocking him unconscious. Clemens had never been known as a wild pitcher, but missing the strike zone with a fastball happens. However missing three feet high and a foot inside always seemed intentional to me.
Game two of the series was surrounded with a lot of hype because of the Clemens and Piazza rematch. In the first inning Piazza hit a foul ball and the broken bat flew back at Clemens, who proceeded to toss another fastball at Piazza, this time a shard of wood replaced the ball.
Clemens claimed he thought the broken bat was the ball, which doesn’t explain why he threw it at Piazza. He later changed his story saying he was tossing it to the on-deck circle where the batboy would pick it up. Well, that still doesn’t explain the ferocity with which he threw the bat, and his complete inability to see Piazza running down the first baseline.
Clemens should have been thrown out of the game. He should have been suspended. He went on to pitch eight shutout innings and the Yankees went on to win the game and the series. The Mets have always been the underdog in New York, and it was never more apparent than in 2000. Clemens acted like a ‘roided-out bully, and was fined a meaningless $50,000 for his actions. The Mets contently faded away for the next six years, with their tail tucked between their legs.
The Mets were treated like the Yankees wimpy little brothers, and that stigma has stuck for the past decade. The pinstriped team from the Bronx have gone on to win their 27th World Series title. The Mets decade is marred by collapses and heartache, leaving fans like myself to complain about an incident ten years ago.
The Rocket won seven Cy Young Awards in his career, four of them after the age of 34. Yet, no one ever questioned Clemens’ right arm discovering the fountain of youth. He was 37-years-old during the 2000 World Series, his fastball topped out at 99 mph in game two. Some things just don’t add up. I don’t care how intense his workout regimen is, no one is a power pitcher for 24 years.
In Clemens last four seasons with the Red Sox he won 40 games. His career seemed to be dwindling. At the age of 34 he went north of the boarder to the Blue Jays and over the course of the next two seasons he won 41 games and consecutive Cy Young awards. No one raised any red flags.
When the Grand Jury indicted Clemens this week I couldn’t help but smile. When Rocket tweeted that he never lied or took performance-enhancing drugs I chuckled. It would be interesting to see a study of the effects of steroids on memory loss, because it’s got to be difficult to forget needles being injected in your ass.
It’s understandable for an athlete to have difficulty coming to grips with the end of a career, but to unapologetically cheat is unacceptable, especially when it hinders my favorite sports team from achieving glory.
Roger, keep lying to yourself, MLB, your fans, friends, and United States government. Because you probably just lied your way out of the Hall of Fame immortality and into a jumpsuit. There are a lot scored fans (Red Sox Nation) that I’m sure love the idea of you being heading to jail for a year. Hopefully there are a lot of sodomites looking forward to your plump ass as well.
*Forward to the 2:25 mark.
Asbury Park’s Museum of Modern Art?
August 18th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
For a long time Asbury Park was known for one thing: Bruce Springsteen. Honestly, that’s it.
The once venerable Jersey shore city has been slowly picking itself up from decades of disrepair and trying to develop into a thriving shore town once again. Over the past decade, the city has been blessed with an influx of new restaurants and shopping centers as it tries to regain the vibrancy it once possessed.
The city is where you can find Springsteen’s roots, at the famous Stone Pony bar. Throughout the town you can find landmarks and discover the Jersey shore imagery “the Boss” captured so well in “Greetings from Asbury Park,” “The Wild, the Innocent, and the E-Street Shuffle” and “Born to Run.”
Today a different kind of imagery is at the center of the conversation at the Jersey shore city as Robin Parness Lipson tries to bring a Museum of Modern Art to Asbury Park.
Today the New York Times documented Lipson’s efforts to bring modern art to a part of the country that desperately needs to prove to the world it enjoys a little culture with its hair gel. The Jersey shore is plenty more than guidos with steroid-injecting hobbies. What better way to demonstrate and celebrate that fact than bring some modern art to Asbury Park’s revival?
Lipson is without large financial backing, but she’s armed with a famous art-collecting family in her support, and a strong determination. Michael and Susan Hort are annually listed amongst the top 200 art collectors in the world. They also happen to be Lipson’s greatest allies.
Still, building a modern art museum on the New Jersey coast with nothing but sea salt and hope isn’t going to make a multi-million dollar structure appear out of sand. But as it turns out NJ’s MoMA doesn’t need a fancy overpriced new construction. The proposed space would be one of the many extremely underused structures lining the Asbury beach. The Asbury Park power plant has been vacant for over 30 years. It also happens to be designed by Warren & Wetmore, the same crafty cats who designed New York’s Grand Central Station.
The main obstacle right now is getting the building from the current owner, development company Madison Marquette, who happens to own most of Asbury Park’s boardwalk property. Gary Mottola, Madison Marquette’s CEO, seems skeptical about the need or want for a modern art museum in Asbury. In fact, he seems perfectly content with it remaining a pit stop for Springsteen fans touring the Garden State.
During the New York Times article Mottola, rocking a Stone Pony t-shirt, refers to fortune teller Madame Marie as a museum that draws international tourism after Springsteen’s song “4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy).” He also had the arrogance or naivete to call Asbury Park “the biggest music destination in the world.”
I mean seriously why would the Jersey Shore need an art museum when it already offers the New Jersey Hall of Fame? How silly of us to forget the millions of people flock each year to visit Shaquille O’Neal’s plaque –- whose NJ claim to fame is simply being born here.
Call me old fashioned but it would be nice to see Asbury Park rise from its own ash and unfinished apartment buildings, but we need to set aside pride for a second and get out of our own way.
The Dreaded Egg Recall is Upon Us: Thanks Galt, Iowa
August 18th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
First Pringles, then Toyotas and now eggs? Dammit, how is anyone supposed to eat a well-balanced breakfast now?
As the world turns, the Year of the Recall continues, this time with the most popular and versatile breakfast food: eggs.
Wright County Egg in Galt, Iowa is apparently the protagonist in this war on the most important meal of the day. Salmonella outbreaks are pretty common in the great United States of America –- at Taco Bell, not on my morning bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. Everyone knows the risk of eating at Taco Bell: stomachaches, explosive diarrhea, memory loss and, in the majority of cases, brutal death.
However, there is a comfort in ordering a taylor ham, egg and cheese sandwich from a grease-truck street vendor that could not possibly pass health-code standards. Sure, ten years of starting your day with these sandwiches could possibly give you a heart attack at a young age, but damn it’s delicious.
Now there are 228 million eggs that have been distributed with intent to kill, just kidding — to give us Typhoid Fever. We’re now playing Russian roulette with our egg intake and that’s not a game we should be playing. Wright County Egg is forcing us to participate in a game that makes pork-fried rice risky, as if Chinese food wasn’t perilous enough to begin with.
This massive egg recall is the most devastating our country has faced so far this year; it puts Toyota and McDonald’s “Shrek” cups to shame. The Prius is an environmentally friendly car with a pesky accelerator problem, but the entire world doesn’t drive Toyotas. Shrek is recognized worldwide as a friendly green ogre, but that doesn’t mean children over the age of 12 got those souvenir cups.
Without eggs we’re left helpless in our search for appetizing morning meals. For the immediate future we need to avoid delicious omelets, egg salads, scrambled eggs, sunny side up eggs, eggs benedict, bacon egg and cheese sandwiches, corn bread and meatloaf. What are we left to eat in the morning? Cheerios? Yea, they may lower cholesterol, but can you toss in mushrooms and ham to enhance its deliciousness? Nope. Don’t even think about Fruit Loops, they make your skin turn purple.
The people this recall should really worry are the poor souls tricked by their father to believe drinking raw eggs is cool because that’s how Rocky trained. This train of thought sometimes leads to the drunken idea that raw eggs are a decent late-night snack.
No one ever told me I could get salmonella from that! Thanks dad, Sly Stallone, the film industry and Wright County Egg for peddling death one feces-covered egg at a time.
Someone Please Stop “Lights, Camera, Jackson”
August 12th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
Johnson Murphy, an 11-year-old from Upstate New York, is a monster and needs to be stopped immediately.
For those who haven’t heard of Murphy, a.k.a. Lights-Camera-Jackson or L.C.J., he is an obnoxious preteen movie critic who makes me want to jump off the George Washington Bridge.
L.C.J. is a perfect example of the need to stop a potentially world-crippling disease before it takes over your hometown. This nightmare of an 11-year-old is gaining fame for reviewing films with his trademark arm-flailing and in-your-face voice. Murphy has been reviewing films online since the age of seven and a half. He has made appearances on “Regis and Kelly,” “Today,” “Fox and Friends” and is a regular contributing critic to “The Early Show.”
New York Magazine’s Vulture blog described him as precocious. I’m describing him as fucking unbearable. He has been appearing on morning shows as a “cute kid” reviewing movies safe for housewives to take their children. He has a weekly column in his hometown paper, and a radio show that reaches over a million people.
L.C.J. is a 30-year-old in a little tyke’s body, and I’m afraid what he is capable of. Granted, I admire his effort and his ambitious nature, but this kid is intolerable and frankly not very good at his “hobby.”
Of course he thought “Inception” was confusing, he’s fucking eleven!
Murphy also gave “Extraordinary Measures,” starring Brendan Fraser and Harrison Ford, a B+ grade. This is a movie that could easily be confused with a “Hallmark Channel Original.”
Here are a few examples of how L.C.J.’s assessment stacks up next to the “top critics” rating on Rotten Tomatoes:
“Inception”
L.CJ.: C
“Because the movie is very complicated to follow, and kids (myself included) and probably many adults, just won’t get it.”
RT: 87%
He’s totally right. Christopher Nolan should be ashamed of himself for confusing his prepubescent audience.
“Sorcerer’s Apprentice”
L.C.J: C+
“The performances are solid: Cage keeps it low-key and Baruchel is pretty believable as a guy who suddenly discovers he has all these magical powers. Those two have some nice scenes together.”
RT: 43%
The Nick Cage I know never knows how to keep it “low-key.”
“Just Wright” 49%
L.C.J.: B
“Already this year, and in the months to come, most Hollywood releases have been or will be sequels, prequels, based on a book, a TV series, or remakes. Thankfully, every once in awhile, we still get a decent original film such as “Just Wright.”
RT: 49%
No seriously thank God for original films like “Just Wright.” “Inception” can’t touch its originality.
“G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra”
L.C.J.: B
“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” could’ve easily been called “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Special Effects”. About 90% of the movie is car chases, explosions, fighting scenes, flying scenes, and stunts (including one involving the Eiffel Tower). And none of it looks real, but you know what? That didn’t bother me.”
RT: 24%
Who would have thought G.I. Joe would have had special effects?
“Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince”
L.C.J: C
“In “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Harry and his friends return to Hogwarts for another year of schooling. Shouldn’t they all be in college by now you might ask? Well, actually, they’re in high school, and they’re all falling in love. A lot of the film deals with the romantic problems involving Harry, Ron and Hermione. And it’s all pretty silly.”
RT 88%
Forgive my Harry Potter geekishness, but there is no college in the wizarding world you twit! Stop reading Gene Schalit’s books and enjoy childhood.
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop”
L.C.J.: B+
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop” is one of the funniest films I’ve seen in a long time.“
RT: 32%
Nuff said.
“Swing Vote”
L.C.J.: B
“Swing Vote”, which came out in August, gives us a look at what could have happened in this past November’s presidential election.”
RT: 52%
It is totally realistic that an election could come down to Kevin Costner’s vote.
“Get Smart”
L.C.J.: B+
“Most of the 60′s TV comedies that Hollywood has made into feature films, such as “Bewitched” and “The Flintstones” have been disappointments with critics and at the box office. But Not “Get Smart”, which keeps you laughing from start to finish.”
RT: 53%
This film almost got as many laughs as “Evan Almighty.”
“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
L.C.J.: B+
“This is the first “Indiana Jones” I’ve seen, so a few times during “Crystal Skull” I didn’t pick-up on some past references, but other than that I really enjoyed it. There’s almost non-stop action. And the plot is easy to follow. It’s basically good guys versus bad guys. You can tell that Steven Spielberg loved being back directing another “Indy” film.”
RT: 61%
If you haven’t seen a single Indiana Jones movie you don’t deserve to be a critic, I don’t care if you’re 11 or 35. If you haven’t seen a great movie, how do you know what a great movie is?
“Fred Claus”
L.C.J.: B
“I watched the trailers for “Fred Claus” for months before it came out in theaters last year and I wasn’t expecting very much from the movie. But, turned out, “Fred Claus” was definitely worth seeing, and it’s worth a viewing now that it’s out on video.”
RT: 19%
One of the worst Christmas movies ever.
Violence towards 11-year-olds in today’s culture is normally frowned upon. But I challenge you to watch this video of L.C.J. reviewing “Inception,” “Ramona and Beezus,” and “Salt” without seriously wanting to punch your computer screen and toss it out the window.
Morning talk shows are built on cute kids, celebrity interviews, vacation tips, and exposés on 10 deadly household products for your pets. So the fact that they have an 11-year-old kid reviewing movies isn’t a surprise. But he’s not a cute kid, he’s the kind of kid that’s pumped for math homework and hates dogs.
Yes, I just spent 900 words ragging on an 11-year-old, but if we don’t stop him soon we could have a problem of Joel Siegel (R.I.P.) proportions on our hands.
Jennifer Freeman: When Former Disney Stars Attack
August 12th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
It seemed like a match made in heaven: The former Disney actress and the career NBA back-up point guard.
Jennifer Freeman and Earl Watson share similar levels of fame. They probably aren’t harassed at the mall’s food court while eating Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwiches, stopped on the street by autograph seekers or photographed by the paparazzi. They are by all means successful, but Freeman isn’t appearing on Letterman to promote her next movie (probably can’t even get on Carson Daly’s “Last Call”) and Watson isn’t going to the all-star game anytime soon. The recently married couple, who welcomed their first child last October, should be living peaceful lives as millionaires. That is until Freeman attacked Watson with an iron and her canine teeth.
Don’t remember Jennifer Freeman from her days on the Disney Channel? No one does. But apparently Freeman appeared in one episode of both “Even Stevens” and “Lizzie McGuire” and used these critically acclaimed roles as a stepping stone to the silver screen starring in the TBS Saturday afternoon classic “You Got Served.” Freeman is probably best known for her role on the Damon Waynans’ (the one from “Major Payne”) TV show, “My Wife and Kids,” where she appeared in over 100 episodes. How that show made it to 111 episodes and “Freaks and Geeks” didn’t make it to 20 is a question for another day.
Don’t remember Earl Watson, either? Don’t sweat it. If you’re from Memphis, Denver, Seattle, Oklahoma City or Indianapolis he’s probably been, at one time or another, your favorite NBA team’s back-up point guard. Every once in a while he’ll have a great game and he’s excellent in spurts, but you don’t want him as your starter. It’s a thankless job, kinda like being an actor in “You Got Served” not named Omarion.
Neither Freeman or Watson should be jaded with how their careers turned out. Quite frankly they overachieved. Watson peaked while starring as point guard for UCLA, where he currently still holds the career steals record. Freeman peaked when she was nominated for a Teen Choice Award in 2004.
Since no one knows what sparked the domestic dispute between the seemingly perfect couple, Death And Taxes is here for all your speculating needs.
1. Freeman is sick of playing housewife. Cooking dinner every night, keeping the house clean, ironing clothes and satisfying her man is harder than it looks. When Earl politely asks her when she picked up her habit of smoking two packs of Marlboro Red 100s while ironing his dress slacks, she snaps, flinging the scalding hot iron at Watson’s face and using her razor sharp insicor teeth to attack.
2. Watson and Freeman were watching an episode of “Friends” when Watson, drunk off of caucasian comedy, wouldn’t stop talking about Jennifer Aniston’s wonderful acting ability. This strikes a nerve because Freeman lost the 2004 Teen Choice Award for Best TV Actress in a Comedy to Aniston. When Watson goes to put in the second disc of season three and asks his wife for a cold beer, he’s greeted with a hot iron.
3. Watson comes home from practice and finds his wife watching “You Got Served” on TBS and crying hysterically. The loving husband tries to console her reminding Freeman that she was once on an episode of “Even Stevens” with movie star Shia LaBeouf. She calmly walks out of the TV room, and returns with her weapon of choice.
4. Watson cheated on his wife. Freeman didn’t take the news too kindly.
I’m pretty sure that covers all possible scenarios. Hopefully the couple can find happiness in Indianapolis, and come to grips with their D-level fame.
Kenny Loggins’ Influence on ’80s Cinema
August 11th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
Yeah, you remember Kenny Loggins. He was that guy with the beard, soothing voice and album covers that consistently seemed to suggest he was Jesus. He was also the absolute king of 80s movie soundtracks.
Looking back on the 1980s it is easy to laugh and ask, “What the hell were you people thinking?” I could spend days simply criticizing the hair, music, clothes and movies. The 80s were a decade-long joke that no one seemed to get. It was ten years of living in excess—too much Bon Jovi, a lot of jean jackets, an unfathomable amount of pastel-colored leggings—but just the right amount of Kenny Loggins.
Loggins freakin’ killed it in the 80s, and he knows it. His music catapulted films such as “Caddyshack,” “Footloose,” and “Top Gun” into the hearts of golfers, rebel dancers, naval aviators and average Joes everywhere.
In the last couple years there has been a sudden ambush of Hall & Oates music in contemporary films such as “500 Days of Summer,” “Step Brothers,” “She’s Out of My League,” and “Knight & Day.” The Brooklyn-based band The Bird and the Bee released a cover Hall & Oates cover album, and the extremely popular TV show “Glee” has incorporated Hall & Oates classic “You Make My Dreams.”
What about Kenny? He didn’t have a perm or a suspiciously thick mustache, but he did sport a coveted beard.
Loggins’ and Hall & Oates’ music peaked around the same time in the early to mid-80s, yet Loggins’ music has fallen by the wayside while Hall & Oates is finally getting their due.
I’m here to show some love for Kenny “King of the 80s” Loggins, and pay tribute to his catalogue of priceless 80s movie hits.
CADDYSHACK “I’m Alright”
Music can make you do a lot of things—for the average white male that means gyrating like an uncoordinated fool. Rarely does a song intend for that to happen, but if the sole purpose of “I’m Alright” wasn’t to drunkenly dance like that gopher, then I have to completely rethink my dance routines. Loggins’ masterful dance hit gave “Caddyshack” a song the audience couldn’t help but move their feet to, and gave Loggins a No. 7 hit on the U.S. pop charts.
CADDYSHACK ”Mr. Night”
Having been a caddy for most of my life, the pool scene elegantly depicts the terrific chaos we caddies would inflict on any country club pool if given the opportunity. Granted today there would be significantly fewer Speedos and one-pieces, but the possibility of defecating in the pool and torturing club members is always a possibility. No doubt we’d feel completely wrong about the situation if Kenny’s “Mr. Night” wasn’t blasting on the sound system.
FOOTLOOSE “Footloose”
Kevin Bacon stars as the big city rebel who moves to a small town. It’s pretty much “Rebel Without a Cause” (zero cause whatsoever), with the addition of some extremely effeminate dance scenes. Kenny was nominated for an Academy Award for this catchy ditty about the burning desire to defy rules and, well, cut loose.
FOOTLOOSE ”I’m Free”
Sticking with the same theme of “Footloose,” but reaching deeper than the desire to “kick off your Sunday shoes,” “I’m Free” delves into a few of the less obvious topics in the multi-layered film such as free will, and breaking idiotic puritanical laws. And, you know, just normal high school stuff, like playing chicken with tractors.
TOP GUN “Danger Zone”
Nothing says badass quite like an F-14 Tomcat shooting down a couple of Migs with “Danger Zone” blasting in the background. Don’t think Loggins’ music is versatile? Assume Loggins can only write dance-pop hits? Well, he’s determined to rock our collective ass off with the “Top Gun” theme. The “Top Gun” soundtrack, lead by the unflappable Kenny Loggins, stayed No. 1 on the Billboard Chart for five consecutive weeks—and that was back when the Billboard Chart actually meant something.
TOP GUN ”Playing With the Boys”
Easily the most unnecessary scene in the film, the beach volleyball scene has become one of its most iconic. Men and women alike know the scene where Maverick and Goose take on Iceman and Slider in an intense, sweaty, shirtless, homoerotic duel on the San Diego beach. It’s unintentionally hilarious and memorable, but without Kenny Loggins would it have ended up on the cutting room floor? Maybe.
OVER THE TOP “Meet Me Halfway”
Sly Stallone was at the peak of his fame and physical fitness in the 1987 drama “Over the Top.” The reason not many people have heard of this film is because it’s terrible. Stallone stars as Lincoln Hawk, “a struggling trucker who’s trying to rebuild his life. After the death of his wife, he tries to make amends with his son whom he left behind years earlier. Upon their first meeting, his son doesn’t think too highly of him until he enters the nationwide arm wrestling competition in Las Vegas.” Yep, Stallone went from Rocky to Lincoln Hawk, arm-wrestling champ. Talk about range. But guess who was excellent in “Over the Top?” Kenny “The Patriot” Loggins.
CADDYSHACK II “Nobody’s Fool”
When “Caddyshack” made the tremendously ill-advised decision to make a sequel, of course they came knocking on Kenny Loggins’ door, seeking the same magic he lent the first film. But honestly, nothing could have saved that film. Replacing Bill Murray with Dan Aykroyd and Rodney Dangerfield with Jackie Mason was foolish. However, because Loggins is a gentleman and a scholar, he lent his golden pipes to the film. The result kinda sounds like the song from “A Goofy Movie”—and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Bonus: 1980 & 1981 NCAA Tournament on NBC “Is this It?”
Loggins’ only Grammy Award is for a song he wrote about his dying father, and, like usual, tugged on the heartstrings in a way only Kenny can. Loggins wrote the song in 1979, however NBC purchased the rights to use the song during their coverage of the 1980 and 1981 NCAA tournaments.
Hopefully this will remind the world of Kenny Loggins’ greatness. Next time you’re watching “Caddyshack,” “Footloose,” “Top Gun,” or god forbid “Over the Top,” remember the man behind the beard who made the movie great—or at least tolerable.
Don Draper’s 10 Lessons in Being a Man
August 9th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
If there is one character in television history that captures the essence of being a man, it’s Don Draper.
Draper smokes, drinks and fucks all during his three-hour lunch breaks. He also happens to be the best advertising executive in fictional TV history. Over the past couple years, since “Mad Men” first aired the name, Don Draper has been synonymous with style, success and all that is manhood.
What’s interesting is Draper is absolutely nothing like the modern man — no sentimentality or geekish humor. Don Draper exists to out-drink, out-class and out-charm every minion that comes within ten city blocks of him. He enjoys the finer things in life such as high-class prostitutes who fulfill his masochistic desires. Draper is the masculine ideal because of his embodiment of cool and a graceful confidence that rivals Sinatra.
What Don Would Do
Always Be Able to Out-Drink Your Boss
Say Roger Sterling makes a pass at your wife and insults your drinking ability because he’s your boss and he feels entitled. Well, go out to one of those nine-hour lunches and have an oyster-eating, hard liquor-drinking contest with him. Follow that with a jog up 23 flights of stairs, and when he collapses to “find his tie clip,” smile. When he vomits in front of clients, smile smugly.
Always Follow a Shitty Fatherly Decision With an Awesome One
It’s your daughter’s birthday party — you know what that means: time to hydrate. In the ‘burbs we switch to beer when doing anything outside, and continue heavily throughout the day. Videotape the whole experience with one of those expensive recorders you bought. When Betty asks you to get the cake, take a six-pack with you and disappear for six hours. Take a nap in the car. Consider your mysterious past. Return triumphant with a Golden Retriever. All is forgiven.
Never Let Anyone Know Anything About Your Past
Why would you let anyone know your secrets past? To relate to them better? To bond over being raised in the same state or attending the same school? Grow up. Your past is only a weakness. It’s over. Forget about that dead guy whose identity you stole. Nostalgia is for the meek.
Smoke Two Packs a Day
Smoking cigarettes makes you 50% cooler. It’s a fact, because ad men like Don said so. The government tried to tell you it’s poisonous, that you’ll die from smoking — whatever. All I have to say is look at Paul Newman and Don Draper. Do they look like they’re dying?
Dress like You’re in the Rat Pack, but Classier
Know how to pick out a good suit. Wear a lot of grey suits, skinny ties, and fedoras if the weather calls for it. Think classy. Act classy. Always look good, never disheveled. Wear your suits with confidence that would make Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr. look like they’re part of a barbershop quartet.
Attempt and Succeed in Having Sex With Every Good-Looking Woman You Meet
Whenever you see a woman you’re attracted to forget the fact you have a wife, three kids and a dog. In fact don’t think at all. You’re Don Draper: Women want to sleep with you at the mere utterance of your name. Take control of every situation, show them how powerful and suave you are. Take them out for drinks. Light their cigarettes. Then proceed to show them how much of a man you really are. Never talk about your exploits with anyone. And if they talk, leave them tied up to a bed.
Two Words: Old Fashioned
I’m assuming you’re a man — drink like one. Having a bad day? Pour yourself a glass. Having a great day? Pour yourself a couple. You deserve it. Writer’s block? Attempt to finish the bottle; I’m sure an idea will come through.
Master the Dramatic Pause
As the man in charge everyone should be hanging on your every word. Speak clearly and with absolute certainty. When you’re about to say something genius/ stirring/ poignant take a breath and count to three. Then pull the rug from underneath them.
Leave Your Clients Speechless From Your Brilliance
Never look like you’re working. Stare aimlessly out your window until virtuosic advertising brilliance flows out your pen and onto paper. When clients arrive, excite, dazzle and blow their fucking minds. For example, when Don invented “The Carousel.”
Emotion is for Pussies — Grab Another Drink
Like I said before, sentiment has no place at work or in the company of others. Stand strong. Never cry. Always have a firmer handshake than the other guy. Never show frustration, rarely show love (in marriage-saving situations only). No one wants to hear about your feelings. Pull yourself together. Pour yourself another drink. Numb the pain. Be a fuckin’ man. Just like Don Draper.
Wyclef Jean for President: Someone Please Call 9-1-1.
August 6th, 2010 by Matt Kiebus
Wyclef Jean is running for President in Haiti and looking for supporters. Pras Michel, a fellow Fugee and Haitian, isn’t singing the same tune.
Wyclef Jean has been making waves recently by officially announcing his intentions to run for the Haitian Presidency. The 40-year-old musician is one of the most visible and vocal Haitians in the United States. He has helped raise millions of dollars in support of the victims of the earthquakes that struck in Haiti early this year.
Is Wyclef Jean qualified to lead a country that is in complete and utter disrepair? Of course—he was in the Fugees, remember? Wyclef is a multi-platinum selling artist. He’s won Grammy and Source Awards. If that isn’t the resume of a born leader, I don’t know what is.
But now he needs the support of his closest friends from home. He’s calling for his fellow Haitians to come out and support him in his quest to get the Fugees get back together for a benefit concert—whoops, I meant to lead Haiti towards better tomorrow.
Who better to stand by his side than fellow Fugee and proud Haitian, Pras Michel? Well, err this is awkward, Pras doesn’t want shit to do with Wyclef Jean’s presidential campaign. In fact, he has publicly come out in support of Jean’s opponent Michel Martell, not because he enjoys the alliteration of his name or shares the name Michel, but “because he is the most competent candidate for the job.”
Wow, that stings. Not only will Pras not support his old partner in crime, but he basically cock slaps the whole notion of his presidential campaign, implying he’s too ignorant to run a struggling third-world nation.
Unlike Wyclef, Pras might actually know what he’s talking about. He studied philosophy and psychology at Yale before the Fugees blew up—which means he wasn’t one of those celebrity Ivy Leaguers who gain admittance with a $100,000,000 box office smash and tepid SAT scores.
It means Pras is smart, and smart people don’t elect a musician who dropped out of Eastern Nazarene College to lead their struggling nation. Jay-Z didn’t run for President after 9/11 — he threw a benefit concert. You know, raise money and entertain people with his chosen profession, not try to lead a country that’s cursed by the devil.
When everyone in the U.S. was emptying their pockets to help the Haitians,* Jean’s Haitian charity foundation was coming under scrutiny for financial impropriety and public figures questioned if his foundation had the strength to appropriately distribute food, water, and shelter to the victims of the natural disaster.
(*Except me ’cause I was really poor then, too. Not, like, Haitian poor—I had clothing and food and stuff—but I was paying for my beer with nickels and dimes. That’s struggling. I never wanna go through that again.)
Sean Penn, superhero humanitarian, who has been living in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, for the past few months has been critical of Jean.
“What the Haitian people need now is a leader who is genuinely willing to sacrifice,” Penn said. “I haven’t seen or heard anything of him in these last six months that I’ve been in Haiti. I think he’s an important voice. I hope he doesn’t sacrifice that voice by taking the eye off the very devastating realities on the ground.”
It sounds to me that Jeff Spicoli should be the one running for president.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Jean’s whole campaign to become the next Haitian president is actually a new very creative way to publicize his next album. Pretty soon his campaign song is going to be his first single.
But as of now this doesn’t seem to be a joke, and we owe Pras a thank-you for reminding us that just because Wyclef Jean was in the Fugees, it doesn’t mean he should hold political office. No matter how good their version of “Killin’ Me Softly” was.
BTW: Pras, welcome to the 21st centrury. We haven’t heard from you since “Ghetto Superstar” and I don’t even remember you on that song. Wasn’t it just Ole’ Dirty Bastard and Mya?
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